would have been due yesterday, October 5, 2010.
Shortly after I found out I was pregnant one of my sweet friends gave me this bib with the "angel baby" on it as my first baby gift! Neither of us had any idea at the time just how true and precious this gift was going to be.
I will be honest- this is has been a very long and emotional journey. I have learned a lot about grief. Maybe that is why this has been particularly difficult for me- loosing this baby is one of the the first real experiences with grief I've ever had.
Grief is messy and unpredictable- I never know when I'm going to be sad, or what particular thing is going to cause me to be weepy. Also, grief cannot be reasoned with- I can tell myself everything I know to be true or practical about my situation, but at the end of the day, I am still just sad. And that my friends, is where the Lord is so faithful to meet me- allowing Him to have my sadness and my lack of understanding, not rushing out of the valley, but staying there because I know He brought me to this place and He will walk through it with me.
The other thing I hate about grief is that there is no real end in sight. It's not like I can look ahead and choose a day and say ok, on this particular date, I will no longer be sad.
I tell myself a lot- I know that God loves me. I know that He has a perfect plan for my life and I trust Him and although this is NOT what I would have chosen for myself, He is Holy and Trustworthy and Good.
I have spent a lot of time in Psalm 91 the past six months and they have become some of my favorite verses:
"He who dwells in the shelter of
the Most High will
rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, 'He is my
refuge and my fortress, my God,
in whom I trust.'
He will cover you with his feathers
and under His wings you will find
his faithfulness will be your shield
and rampart." 1,2, and 4
Under the wings of God
is where I find my strength to rise
Because I found favor in His eyes
something I could never earn
My shelter in this raging storm
But nothing can shake me
when I'm under the wings of God... Mandi Mapes
Whatever your storm may be, I hope to find you resting with me under His loving, strong wings.